Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you have been personally touched by a loss, or if anyone you may know in your life that has been touched by a loss please check out the official site of
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It has a great deal of information including resources, information on how to Cope with Grief, and ideas for remembering those babies that have been lost. As a mommy to an Angel Baby I can tell you that so many people grieve in silence, it's time to change that! Miscarriage can affect every aspect of your life and can affect your subsequent pregnancies. Ignoring it, whether you are the mommy going through the loss, a significant other, a family member or friend watching someone you love and care about going through a loss, it an be very painful and can prevent you from ever fully healing and moving forward.
In memory of my Angel
Daddy and I had not been trying to conceive, when we did in September of 2005. I actually remember when we conceived.... he was going out of town for a friend's wedding on the 17th and we had "goodbye" sex before he left. He was a little slow pulling out I guess and our very first baby together was made. In all the time we used the "withdraw" method of birth control that was the first and only time we conceived.
On October 3, 2005 my period was late so I decided to test, to my utter shock it was positive. The baby was never unwanted-in fact the second I found out I wanted that baby, our baby, with every single fiber of my being. When I told Daddy I was pregnant he became numb and unresponsive. I guess hearing those words when you've never heard them before and wasn't expecting to hear them can be quite a shock....it was only two years into our relationship and I think that added to it. I knew it would take time for both of us to adjust. I looked up my due date on an online calculator and it was Daddy's birthday....June 11th.
I should have known something was wrong early... I had been horribly, horribly crampy for a few days previous to the positive home pregnancy test. The pain so bad that I remember not being able to sleep one night and having to crawl around the house to get water because it hurt to bad to walk upright. I thought it was just really bad PMS cramps. Never did I consider that I was pregnant and getting ready to miscarry.
I tested a couple more times on October 3rd and when the lines got lighter and lighter, still cramping, and eventually it hit me that something was wrong. I tested with first morning urine on October 4 and there was no more positive. Later on that day, as I was pulling our trash can to the curb (I will always remember that), I felt a "gush," ran to the bathroom and saw blood. I became frantic and wanted to scream "Make it stop!" but it didn't.
I called my OB/GYN and they told me to come in on Thursday. I was an emotional wreck for the next two days. When I went to the doctor I was bleeding quite heavily and still cramping. My doctor, this nice older gentleman, gave me an exam and took a Quant. blood test to get the level of hcg in my blood. He told me that that blood test would tell me if I was pregnant and indeed having a miscarriage. I knew in my heart it was a miscarriage even though the doctor refused to say at the time it was an early pregnancy loss, as he called it. Early pregnancy loss sounded so much better, so much more personal than "chemical pregnancy" as so many people call an early pregnancy loss. I asked him all sorts of questions about "miscarriage." I was utterly heartbroken and devastated. I was an emotional wreck leaving the office.
My blood work came back the next day at a "barely pregnant" level. The doctor did not want to say for certain that it was in fact an early pregnancy loss and not a very "new" pregnancy which he said it could be with elevated levels like I had. He explained that with early pregnancy losses it's almost always a problem with either the way the fertilized egg implanted, or the way it was developing. That really didn't make me feel any better, but as I read and researched I realized that having one early pregnancy loss didn't put me at risk of having another one, though that didn't stop me from worrying my whole first trimester with BB.
I bled for a total of 6 days, the cramps stopped a few days into the bleeding. I looked forward to the end of the bleeding so the process of losing the pregnancy would be "over" but there was also a part of me that was sad that I stopped bleeding because that meant the baby & pregnancy was gone forever. I went back that Thursday, a week later from the first Quant test, to have a follow-up Quant down to tell the doctor what I already knew in my heart and soul. Sure enough my levels then came back at a "not pregnant" level of under 2.
What made matters worse was that Daddy was not supportive at all. I remember one time I was cramping pretty bad and I asked him to help me, he said "there's nothing I can do, it's an internal pain" and I burst into tears. I think the attitude he had covered up for his lack of understanding and knowledge about supporting someone experiencing a miscarriage. I mean, what man wants to admit he doesn't know how to do something? He admitted to me when I told him we were pregnant with BB that he acted like that because he didn't know what to do or how to do it. I think it was so much easier for people to ignore the situation than to admit they didn't know how to handle it or support the person going through it... that's one thing that October15th.com hopes to change.
I felt so many things in such a short period of time. I did sooo much research about early pregnancy losses; what happens, what it means, why it happens, etc. I learned a lot. I don't think miscarriage is something you truly understand until it's touched your life. The week that I bled was when it really HIT me how badly I wanted THAT baby. Once my mind & heart rationalized that I couldn't have THAT baby is when that feeling turned into a deep, passionate desire for another baby...my last (or so I thought at that time).
After spending much time on the couch, sulking and being depressed there came a time, about a month later, when I realized that I was ready to move forward, not move on--because I don't think miscarriage is something I could have just moved "on" from, but move forward, that the real healing begin for me. I took it one day at a time and eventually, even though the thought of losing that baby still hurt, it got easier to make it through the days. I made it through the one month anniversary, the two month anniversary, the six month anniversary, eventually we hit the one year anniversary, and this month was our four year anniversary of our loss.
The one year anniversary was hard on me. By that time Daddy was so much better...he told me "whatever you need me to do just tell me" and I appreciated that a great deal. I took time to remember our Angel Baby but tried not to dwell on the actual loss itself. What made the day much harder to bear was that regardless of the deep yearning, desire and many tears I cried and prayers I prayed for another baby that I still did not have a baby growing in my belly..
I asked myself and God over and over again "WHY NOT ME?!?!" I wanted to know what was so wrong with me that he'd let some drug abuser get pregnant with a baby she never wanted in the first place but not ME when I wanted a baby sooooo badly. It was so hard to feel that He had forsaken me. The one year anniversary of our loss I was sad and "down" for the entire day. We took Abby (my beagle) to be spayed that day, picked her up that evening and other than that I just took it easy. I think having Abby to think of and take care of really helped me. I don't know if this was a subconscious thing I did, maybe that yearning for a baby was there long before it hit me as we adopted Abby in August 2005, but Abby and Baby have the same letters. I have found myself on more than one occasion trying to type "Abby" quickly and typing "Baby" instead.
One month after the one year anniversary of our loss...November 4, 2006... I ovulated and our son was conceived. Kadie was conceived around the same time our Angel Baby was conceived three years later and born around the same time our Angel Baby would have been born. Looking at all of my children knowing how painful a loss can be makes me want to hold them just a little tighter when I hug them and be soooo grateful everyday for the wonderful blessings God has given me. I hope that my story will bring comfort, hope, and support to someone. And, as always feel fee to leave a comment below or
email me.
--There is a woman named Cynthia who runs a site called
Claire's Friends. On her site she offers Words of Hope in addition to free Memorial Bracelets as a keepsake to honor and remember babies that have been lost. I ordered mine around the first anniversary of our loss. It sits on the coroner of a picture frame with the word "Family" on it with a picture of our family in it.
--There is also
The Shining Light Fund whose mission is to is to honor families that have been touched by loss and remember their children.
Her teeth are coming, not here yet but bottoms ones are coming! Teething has been hectic. I ordered an Amber Teething Necklace from My Bella Baby Boutique and got it in the nick of time! I was at my wits end that morning because nothing else was working, not even the Gentle Naturals Teething Drops that worked wonders for our son. I put the necklace on her, picked her up, and she settled down. Eventually I put her back down and she dozed off. Being the skeptic that I am I didn't believe the Amber Teething necklace actually worked even though I had heard wonderful things about its pain relieving properties. I took the necklace off of Kadie when I could and wrapped it around my wrist because it had been really bothering me and went on about my business. I'm not sure when my wrist pain went away but I was doing something in the kitchen and noticed my wrist wasn't hurting anymore. Pretty crazy! She's worn the necklace for a few hours at a time and it has been wonderful to have a happy teething baby instead of a fussy, in pain one. Everyone that's seen her wearing it has said how cute it is and are amazed when I tell them it's an Amber Teething Necklace and helps with teething pain and inflammation. She does look really cute sporting her little necklace. 
Her hair is lightening up, eyes are still blue. Interestingly and off point Ashleigh's eyes are changing color to green. Kadie is plumping up and her weight gain is very noticeable in the face. I know she'll slim down when she really starts moving, just like her brother did...she seem a lot more "dainty" than BB though, that's for sure!
